You must be married to a Filipina if...

(Written by an American guy who loves his Filipina wife despite "irregularities")

1. Your refrigerator is always full but you cannot find any food that you recognize.
2. Most of the decorations in your house are made of wicker.
3. You are expected to be able to read her mind just by watching her eyebrows move up and down and which way her lips are pointed.
4. The instant you are married you have 3000 new close relatives that you can't tell apart.
5. All the desserts are sticky and all the snacks are salty.
6. Even the ketchup [catsup (Jufran) ] tastes weird.
7. You throw a party and everyone is fighting to chop the leathery skin off a dead pig.
8. Your in-laws take 10 years to acknowledge your existence and to call you by something other than "that white guy."
9. Your first Christmas present is some funny-looking, baggy see-through shirt made out of leftover lace doilies.
10. Your phone bills are all international and average 3 hours per call.
11. The rice cooker is on 24/7 and uses up 50% of your electric and food budget.
12. On your first trip to the Philippines, you have 18 giant boxes that weigh 1000 pounds each and your "carry-on" luggage requires a small forklift truck.
13. All your postage bills instantly double.
14. Her favorite sauce is called patis. Americans call it turpentine.
15. You were married five years before she explained to you that "Aray" doesn't mean "Ooh, baby!"
16. Her homeland has more megamalls than islands.
17. Your kitchen table has a merry-go-round in the middle.
18. Her friends are named Chinky, Baby, Boy, and Bimbo and you're not allowed to smirk.
19. All your place settings are backwards and there are no spoons.
20. She's done her best job planning a surprise party for you if she manages not to tell you about it until a week or two before.
21. AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST: You are pretty proud of yourself because you think you snagged up for yourself some unique, rare, tropical goddess until you go to the Philippines and can't tell her apart from anyone else in the whole country (unless she's taller than 5'1". Then it's a bit easier).