John Michael Allan

Monday, March 3, 2008

You must be married to a Filipina if...

(Written by an American guy who loves his Filipina wife despite "irregularities")

Your refrigerator is always full but you cannot find any food that you recognize.
Most of the decorations in your house are made of wicker.
You are expected to be able to read her mind just by watching her eyebrows move up and down and which way her lips are pointed.
The instant you are married you have 3000 new close relatives that you can't tell apart.
All the desserts are sticky and all the snacks are salty.
Even the ketchup [catsup (Jufran) ] tastes weird.
You throw a party and everyone is fighting to chop the leathery skin off a dead pig.
Your in-laws take 10 years to acknowledge your existence and to call you by something other than "that white guy."
Your first Christmas present is some funny-looking, baggy see-through shirt made out of leftover lace doilies.
Your phone bills are all international and average 3 hours per call.
The rice cooker is on 24/7 and uses up 50% of your electric and food budget.
On your first trip to the Philippines, you have 18 giant boxes that weigh 1000 pounds each and your "carry-on" luggage requires a small forklift truck.
All your postage bills instantly double.
Her favorite sauce is called patis. Americans call it turpentine.
You were married five years before she explained to you that "Aray" doesn't mean "Ooh, baby!"
Her homeland has more megamalls than islands.
Your kitchen table has a merry-go-round in the middle.
Her friends are named Chinky, Baby, Boy, and Bimbo and you're not allowed to smirk.
All your place settings are backwards and there are no spoons.
She's done her best job planning a surprise party for you if she manages not to tell you about it until a week or two before.
AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST: You are pretty proud of yourself because you think you snagged up for yourself some unique, rare, tropical goddess until you go to the Philippines and can't tell her apart from anyone else in the whole country (unless she's taller than 5'1". Then it's a bit easier).

Top Reasons Why There Isn't A Filipino-American President

The White House is not big enough for in-laws.
Filipinos in America prefer engineering, computer science, nursing and accounting over politics.
Not enough parking at the White House to park the 2 Honda Civics, the Toyota Celica, the 1985 Diesel Mercedes-Benz, BMW (Big Mean Wife) and the MPV (My Pinoy Van).
Can't find decent chicken adobo in D.C.
Secret Service could never handle a nagging mother.
Dignitaries are generally intimidated by eating with fingers at State Dinners.
No chance for promotion.
Lactose intolerance is not considered politically correct.
Senior aides won't take off shoes before coming in.
Too many windows on White House to put metal bars.
Not allowed to install whistle-beep on presidential limo when put in reverse gear.
Too many dining rooms in the White House; where will they put the picture of The Last Supper?
Too much confusion over the definition of D.C., District of Columbia or Daly City (in CA - where majority of population are Filipinos)?
White House walls not big enough to hold giant wooden fork and spoon.
FAA won't allow rainbow tape on Air Force One dashboard.
Secret Service staff won't respond to "pssssst, pssssst."
Secret Service staff uncomfortable driving presidential car with rosary hanging on rear view mirror and St. Jude or Santo Nino statuette on dashboard.
No more WWII jeeps available for restoration as presidential jeepneys.
No money allocated in budget to purchase laserdisc karaoke sing-along machines for every room in the White House.
State Dinners do not allow leftover food as "To Go".
Air Force One does not allow any Balikbayan boxes on board

You know You're At A Filipino Birthday Party When:

Some of the guests didn't bring a gift, but brought extra-uninvited kids.
When the cake says Happy Birthday Totoy instead of the child's real name.
The party is at Chuck E. Cheese but they brought their own food and cake.
It's a child's party but there are more grown-ups than children.
It's Totoy's 1st Birthday and the party food is pansit, lumpia,puto, and 10 cases of beer.
For entertainment, instead of playing pin the tail on the donkey, there is usually a televised baseball, football game, or a live fight.
They don't sing Happy Birthday; instead everyone is playing mahjong.
The party was over at 5:00, it’s 10:00 and the party is just starting.
You find out from Tito Boy that Uncle Nonong is taking viagra.
The host calls someone who’s on their way and tells them to stop and get some ice.
The guests start arriving and the hostess disappears to get ready.
You hear someone go up to the birthday child and say "Totoy, ang laki mo! I'm going to have to get you something next week when I get paid."
The party is Saturday, and you get a call from the hostess Friday night saying, I’m giving Totoy a birthday party tomorrow at 3:00.
Some guests bring gifts that are still in the store bag unwrapped.
There always seems to be more family than friends at the party.
You have the party over at your brothers because he just bought a new house and he has a pool.
The cake didn't come from the store; it came from the mother of the comadre of your friend’s sister who makes really good cakes.
You are told you have to save your plate and fork you ate your food with, so you can eat your cake.
Someone calls and says they can't make it, but asks that you save them some cake.
Guests are wrapping up cake to take to Tatay, Chading, Girlie, Tita, and Neneng.
The party music is coming from a small boom box.
The birthday child is dressed from head to toe in Tommy/Polo.